Friday, March 4, 2011

1) Marry a better wife than you? / 2) Why he isn't proposing to you

(Who to choose to fly with. Your companion lifting you higher and higher through life's journey.)

Theres a sort of wall everyone gets to when they seriously think about getting married. When we're younger we always characterize a good wife as one that's better than ourselves. But then when you actually get into the details and you're on the brink of choosing, philosophy throws a curveball at you.

Lets take it slowly and just start out concretely. You have two potential spouses you can look into for getting married. One you assume from what you've learned, is better than you, and the other is assumed worse.

Which do you marry? Which do you propose to?

I found personally, that you'd always love to have the one assumed to be better, but there lies one problem, that may only apply to me, but that you may feel guilt.

Why guilt? Guilt at the feeling of giving her something worse than herself, that you feel bad ruining her chances at finding someone better, even if she does accept you.


Knowing for Certain

Lets go a step further and make it easier. Assume that you know for a fact that one is better and one is worse, which one do you go after?

If you choose the one that's better, the guilt issue remains. What about the one that you know magically know for a fact, is worse than you as a person?

If you marry them, you may mistreat them, constantly having this feeling of condescension inside you, because they were a trade off versus someone better.

Is that fair to them? Won't you inevitably bump heads over that? Won't they be disappointed knowing you felt that way?

What do you do?


The dilemma

On one hand you have the guilt of ruining someones chances of finding a better husband, by picking the better wife, knowing she deserves better than you, and on the other hand you have the mistreatment of someone you deem inferior, in whatever standards you assume to be better or worse.

What do you do?

If I find an answer, I'll probably share with you my insights, but for this late March night, I do nothing more then wonder, ponder, contemplate, worry, and think on what the right choice is.

This becomes even more of an issue, as you become someone with less and less pride. The less pride inside you the more you deem others greater than yourself. Then how would you rid yourself of the guilt?

The thing is, we all should aim to be less proud, with more humility, knowing God is our only source of life, mercy, and generosity; that all good things originate and are caused by him.

So is the humble man doomed to the guilt of marrying a seemingly better wife?


Problem 2

Modest women, since these would be the only people faced with this problem, have their own sort of dilemma.

Since these women are not at clubs, are not constantly flirting with guys, and are not flirting and making guy friends, they most likely get married through proposals and one and one encounters.

A person will come to them with the intent to marry, they'll get to know one another, and see if it works out. If it does, they marry, and if not, they move on to the next person.

But some societies and some cultures look down on women that don't get proposals. Does it automatically mean you're a bad person if this is the case, or ugly, or rude? The answer is no, and speaking from a male perspective, it's easier to understand why:

  • 1) Better than him: If you are a really good person, and really desirable, you'd think people would come to you first. The issue is, since you are better, guys may feel they have no chance, or may feel the guilt to ask you. After enough guys feel this way, you end up getting little to no proposals. This isn't because anything is wrong with you, but the opposite, that you're very desirable and people feel discouraged about asking you thinking their chances are too low.
  • 2) Nervous: This applies to all men in general asking any woman for a proposal. Being nervous is a response that gets strengthened if they're in a new society and there is no framework for how people get married in the first place. This phenomenon gets even worse when there is no system for finding spouses and then once a proper spouse is found, it's difficult to know how to approach.
  • 3) Accidentally offend: People will frequently not ask for proposals because they don't want to offend the parents of that daughter or the daughter themselves. They don't want to feel as if the only reason they liked that person or family is for selfish marriage reasons.
  • 4) Awkwardness / Denial : Some guys also have issues with denial and worry about feeling awkward if their proposal is turned down. This feeling may be strengthened if you have close family or friendship ties with the proposee. Your fear could ricochet into fear of hurting your friends and feeling awkward at bothering their family over the marriage.

The point is simple, if you're not being proposed to, it doesn't automatically mean something is wrong with you. Actually, more likely, it means someone may be right and others are intimidated by you, and fear rejection.

I finish off with this often shared paragraph, which should remind all women of their value:

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

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